#42) How to Milk a Cow

Posted on Posted in Season 1, Self Development

Time: 15 min

Cost: $0

Difficulty: Easy Peezey

Sexual Innuendo: Overflowing

This Farm “Boymen” is Finally Earning his Stripes

Hell ya I lived on an acreage for the first 18 years of my life. Hell ya we had chickens, pigs, sheep, ducks and cows. Did I ever milk any of those animals during those 18 years? First off that’s a silly question because you can’t milk chickens. And second, no, no I did not.

So now that I am 22 years of age, in the transition from boy to man and back to a combination of the two, ei: boymen (prounced boi-men)…I figured it was best to take the incredibly valuable skill of milking a cow and slap it onto my 52skillz resume. So in case you find yourself near a dairy cow anytime soon with a hankering for milk, or you’re a ambitious lady looking to become the most popular girl in town, here’s how to milk a cow.

How to Milk a Cow (By Hand)

  1. Take your grimy ass hands, and wash ’em.
  2. Take the cow with your no longer grimy ass hands, and tie it to a halter, a sturdy or your mother in law.
  3. Once she’s tied to the halter (the cow, not your mother in law)…Clean. Dem. Teeties. (with a iodine or soapy water mix)
  4. Next, make sure your hands are well lubricated so that you don’t hurt the cow while milking it. You can use lotion, Vaseline or the cows own milk (milkception!!!!!)
  5. Take a seat, and start massaging the utter. This makes the cow know you are ready to milk and “lets the milk down”, which allows you to produce milk from the utters.
  6. 670px-Milk-a-Cow-Step-7-Version-3
    Step 6 is actually a picture of what Step 7 is describing. Couldn’t figure out formatting. GET OVER IT.
  7. Squeeze down to push out the milk, maintaining your grip on the base of the teat so that the milk doesn’t flow back up into the udder. Do not jerk or yank the teats as what much of popular culture would suggest. This motion is performed by sequentially squeezing your fingers from the middle to the pinky to force the milk out. Be gentle yet firm (ladies).
  8. 30 min later, sit back and stare upon your riches. All 15 liters of it.

5 Mostly True Facts About the Dairy Cow

  1. Cows produce 32 liters (8 gallons) of milk a day.
  2. They can’t walk downstairs. Mostly because they are dumb.
  3. A dairy cow typically eats the weight of the average pre-teen a day (100 lbs).
  4. A dairy cow is worth around $2000. That’s like two-hundred thousand pennies!
  5. Playing classic music in a dairy barn increases the cows ability to produce milk. BOOM. LINK.
Worth it!

What did I Learn?

I learned that no matter how hard you try, it is incredibly difficult to get the smell of a dairy barn off your hands. There’s something about the combination of cow poop, fresh milk and an enclosed space that is more potent….well…more potent than a lot of things.

Also, that sexual innuendo in a dairy barn is just about unavoidable. I mean, did you see how cute those cows were?

Anyways, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed and we’ll talk next week.





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