Time: 15 min
Coolness at Party’s: BRA…SO COOL
How to Unlock the Container Which Houses the Golden Nectar of the Gods
Is what I would call this skill if I wasn’t worried about people getting confused. But I was worried…very much so! Why you may ask? Because I care about each and everyone of you and your quest to learn new cool, incredibly useful things each week. There, I said it.
Call me soft, call me immasculine. You think that hurts me? Nope. Wanna know why?
Because anyone who can open a beer with a hammock is allowed to be soft. So here’s to be being soft, and here’s how you can get away with it.
How to Get Away with Being Soft (And Make Friends)
Step 1: Have a beer, or some sort of can that needs opening.
Step 2: Surround yourself with people who are not currently your friends, but you would have a strong interest in conversing with later but have also not had the chance or the confidence to approach due to either your lack of self-esteem or your crushing social anxiety.
Step 3: Grab the beer with your middle, ring and pinky fingers, and place your pointer finger on top of the glass, and your thumb on the front.
Step 4: Lock the tip of the object you’re using to open the beer, against the bottom of the bottle cap.
Step 5: Lock eyes with the prettiest girl (or man) in the room, and use your thumb as leverage, pushing up on the tool and releasing showers of golden foam onto your viewers.
Step 6: After receiving high fives, fist pumps and the potential of confetti inaccurately thrown into the air (as it usually is at these sort of things), take a triumphant swig of the beer, re-lock eyes with your suitor and give them a well placed slow motion wink.
Step 7: Exit the room, head to the bathroom and run your beer holding hand under cold water as sometimes bruising occurs if you’re new to this, and no-one wants that.
What Did I Learn?
I learned that when something as delicious as beer exists on this planet, and in the same right ,something as inconvienant as a bottle cap, man will find a way to take the bottle cap, and propel it from its shiny and smooth glass confines in any way possible. Whether it be with a bottle opener, a table or a dollar bill..it can and will be done.
This, and that craft beer is much more difficult to open than mass produced beer.
Anyways, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed and we’ll talk next week.
ps: Welcome back Canada