#35) The Moustache Manliness/Creepiness Equation (How to Attract Fewer Women)

Posted on Posted in Blog, Season 1

Time: 10-20 min

Cost: $0

Difficulty: Easy

Interactions with Women: Cut in Half



Stay Classy Moustachey

It’s a fact. For the most part the modern day female does not find moustaches very sexy. Finding a lady who both appreciates your moustache and having a conversation with you instead of the police, is about as likely as Michael J Fox threading a needle. 99% of the time…it ain’t gonna happen. This said, there are definitely certain individuals who who can rock the shit of a well groomed moustache. In order to determine whether or not you would be fit for such a challenge I have created “The Moustache Manliness/Creepiness Equation”.

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The greatest example as to why moustaches are a good thing.

The Moustache Manliness/Creepiness Equation

The equation has been put together over the span of 120 man hours of work to give provide men across the world with the resources to determine whether or not what they are growing is a one way ticket to manhood or to jail.

m2=(m1-x)+a

m1=manliness before the moustache

m2=manliness after the moustache (a negative value meaning that it is creepy)

x= the value of the moustache (higher value=a worse moustache)

a=your age

As this equation needs a numerical value for both manliness and the quality of your moustache, the 52skillz team has developed two scales to determine how manly you truly are, and how good you moustache really is.


The Manliness Scale 

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The following is a series of 5 questions that when summed will give you a numerical value to place into “The Moustache Manliness/Creepiness Scale”. Please answer honestly, as the results could save you months of embarrassment and difficulty convincing women to go on dates with you.

1. A bank is being Robbed what do you do?

  • Cry=1
  • Stay quite and not be seen=4
  • Throw your pocket knife at the robber=10
  • Try to call 911=7

2. How Much Chest Hair Do You Have?

  • It would take 10 razors to get through all of my hair=10
  • Lots but I shave/trim it=1
  • None=3
  • Average=6

3. Do you like Clint Eastwood?

  • Yes=10
  • No=0

4. How often do you work with wood?

  • I dabble=6
  • I just finished my first handmade canoe=10
  • Wood is scary=1
  • I always hire people to do that kind of stuff=4

5. Given a Zombie Apocalypse, what would you do?

  • I haven’t thought about it=3
  • I have an entire plan thought out for it, it would take too long to explain=9
  • Zombies are stupid=5
  • I would go to the Winchester=7

The Moustache Scale 

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The value of this scale is also very important, and in some situations… more important than the manliness scale. The value of this scale will make or break whether or not you should grow a moustache. And remember, the higher the value the worse for this scale.

1. Why did you grow your moustache?

  • To be ironic=13 points
  • For a blog=15 points
  • Why wouldn’t I=5 points
  • Because everything else is girly=0 points

2. How long does it take to grow?

  • Two days=0
  • Two Weeks=5
  • A Month=11
  • It Doesn’t=15

3. How thick is it?

  • Its looks like its there at certain angles=14
  • Need a machete to get through it=0
  • Average=8

4. Can you curl it?

  • Yes=0
  • No=7.5

5. If you had to choose between a moustache or a lady what would you do?

  • The moustache or death=0
  • Its already gone=11
  • I’ll shave off half=6
  • What moustache?=15

Total it Up

m2=(m1-x)+a

Now total up both your scores, and add them into the “The Moustache Manliness/Creepiness Equation” to find out whether or not you need to start ignoring the upper lip with your next shave. If your manliness increases, I would strongly suggest committing to that bad boy, but if it increases or gets into the negatives, stay far far away my friends.


What Did I Learn?

That “The Moustache Manliness/Creepiness Equation” (at least in my case) is pretty accurate. Though I didn’t make it into the negatives, it drastically reduced my manliness from a score of 34 to a score of 11 getting close to the realm of pansy hipster.

Guess its back to bearded Stephen after all….

Let me know what your score is below in the comments, I would love to hear whether or not the moustache works for you.

 Anyways thanks for reading, and we’ll talk next week. 🙂

 Ps: Oh hey there South America….

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